Do you wake up every morning, crying out, "WHY?!" because you really were wishing you'd die in your sleep? Do you feel that love is a nuisance? Do you hope that strange, foreign arachnids somehow make their way into your room to both poison you and keep you company?
Then I've got some food ideas for you.
#1. Humble Pie:
Take three slices of bread (if you don't have bread, use crackers and make a miniature version of this), and remove the center of the breads, leaving only crust perimeters. Stack the crusts ontop of each other. Take the removed bread and some ketchup and mush them together in a cereal bowl. You should be left with soggy pinkish bread. Good work so far. If you need to scream curse words at any pets in the house, do so now.
What goes well with ketchup and bread? That's right. Coffee beans. Add a handful or two to the concoction. You should feel ill right now. But wait, there's more! Take all containers of leftover meat from the fridge and sprinkle in ripped off bits and pieces. If you don't have any meat scraps, don't bother with this recipe.
Finally, add lots and lots and lots of pepper. Mix it in, then add more. You want this bowl of food to be nice and gray. You've completed your demon pie filling. Scoop the stuff out of the bowl and fill in the hole inside the three stacked-up crust perimeters.
You can eat your humble pie now.
#2. Liquid Atonement:
Everyone's a sinner. If you're like me, Jerry Urdonschki, then you spend each minute of the day worrying and feeling downright disgusting about all the embarassment and sin you've committed. Time to seek forgiveness, "friend." Even the most terrible of murderers will be able to get a sympathetic handshake from their murderees in the afterlife after this shake.
Take all the cough syrup you have. All of it. Pour it all into a pitcher. Next, take regular maple syrup and add an equivalent amount or less into the mixture. Find all the combs in the house and put the hairs in. All of them. Next, if you have any laxatives, in they go. Also, pour one to ten shots of whiskey in. Everybody knows how well alcohol and dextromethorphan mix. Finally, add two eggs (including shells). Mix with your own hand after you've gone to the bathroom.
*NOTE: You probably don't clean that often. This shake is best made with lots of dust and assorted dead insect carcasses.
Make sure to microwave it for about 2 minutes, or whatever makes it lukewarm. You don't want it hot and you don't want it cold.
Drink the whole thing. Do not stop until it is finished.
#3. The Poor Man's Poor Man's Hot Dog
Take a deep breath.
Everybody enjoys a hot dog every now and then. Even the very homeless can afford a hot dog! I'm sure you can, too, but... You love mentally putting yourself in uncomfortable situations for the sake of being "prepared" for when they finally happen. Right? Right. So when you finally can't afford to even beg for money, you're gonna have to survive.
Take one of your toes and pull. Keep pulling. Ouch. Ughh. Not pulling hard enough. Snap. Rip. There ya go. Pull your toe right off. Remove the toenail (save this for using as a tool), pull out the bone and put it with the toenail. Good job. Next, for the bun, rip off a part of your pants. Put your own toe in the ripped off pants piece.
See? EVEN YOU could eat a makeshift hot dog if you were so poor and down in the dumps that you couldn't afford even a real hot dog. It seems like an impossible scenario, but not for your warped brain.
For mustard, you can mush your own eye into some sort of paste. I guess.
_____________________________________________________
Well, maybe my recipes have put some things into perspective for you. I certainly hope not, though.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Legalize Hamburgers
Everybody's got a cause. Some people say, "If you're fighting for something, it better make sense." To them, I say, "It's not what you're fighting for, it's how hard you fight, you ignorant fucks." I've been diagnosed with Type 2 Agressive Hyperactive Syndrome. I tell ya, it ain't easy bein' medically handicapped.
When I fight, I want to fight alone. With nobody on my side. That way, I have more enemies to fight against. Thinking like that is probably a result of my Depressive Hyperturmoil Disease.
Anyway, as I was about to say, the more ridiculous the cause, the better. I mean, just the other week, I was picketing kittens. I kept chanting "GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" People asked things like, "What's your fucking problem?!" "Who the fucking shit hates kittens?!?" and, "Hey fucking asshole, do you got Bill Turkeman's disease or somethin?!?!" I do. I'm Bill Turkeman.
The result of my kitten protest led to people spontaneously protesting my protest. The kitten store was PACKED and I was ready. My first act of random violence was to toss a kitten at the closest man. He dropped his concentration and his instincts zoned in on trying to make sure he caught the kitten and no harm came to it. I broke his nose with my fist as soon as he caught the kitten. He accidentally dropped the kitten. Some kid DOVE in to save the kitten from the fall. After he caught it, I stomped on the kid's ass. It's funny to do that. He accidentally squeezed the kitten a little too hard, and the kitten just ran around. Everybody was fumbling to save the kitten from being stepped on as the little critter just ran around in between everyone's legs. As their guards went down, I just kicked all their asses. That's right. I kicked a whole crowd's ass. Then I took the kitten, 'cuz... Well, who the hell doesn't like kittens? lol
My next violence-inducing protest had to be great. I beat the shit out of myself each night to make sure I top myself-- OR ELSE. My next target was a new burger shack that JUST OPENED UP right next to a vegetarian restaraunt. I dressed up as an Indian man (the ones from India) who likes burgers. I pretended that I thought I was still in India. Inside the burger shack, I started chanting "LEGALIZE BURGERS! I AM HUNGRY!" People started accusing me of being retarded once more. Jackpot. Then when the manager asks me to leave, I actually do... Just as expected, a gay couple walked out of the vegetarian restaraunt. "LEGALIZE BURGERS! I AM HUNGRY!" They suggested I was a murderer and would not stop suggesting so. Just then, one of the burger customers exits and overheard the talk. It's meat eaters VS leaf eaters. The meat eaters clearly had the upper hand because of all the meat they eat... UNTIL I distributed weapons amongst the vegetarians. A huge crowd was beating the shit out of another huge crowd. And that crowd was beating back.
How am I gonna beat the shit out of everyone in THIS situation? Simple. I start playing MC Hammer SO loud and SO suddenly, that in that brief moment of confusion, people's attentions are diverted my direction. My arm reaches into my trenchcoat, and out come the genitals. This creates an "anti-kitten" effect. My genitals are gross. Appealing to NOBODY. You do not want to touch my genitals. People have to choose: Defend yourself or touch my genitals. I beat the shit out of everyone there.
Everyone.
What's next? I have no idea. I guess I'll have to beat another scheme out of myself. I need help.
When I fight, I want to fight alone. With nobody on my side. That way, I have more enemies to fight against. Thinking like that is probably a result of my Depressive Hyperturmoil Disease.
Anyway, as I was about to say, the more ridiculous the cause, the better. I mean, just the other week, I was picketing kittens. I kept chanting "GO AWAY! GO AWAY!" People asked things like, "What's your fucking problem?!" "Who the fucking shit hates kittens?!?" and, "Hey fucking asshole, do you got Bill Turkeman's disease or somethin?!?!" I do. I'm Bill Turkeman.
The result of my kitten protest led to people spontaneously protesting my protest. The kitten store was PACKED and I was ready. My first act of random violence was to toss a kitten at the closest man. He dropped his concentration and his instincts zoned in on trying to make sure he caught the kitten and no harm came to it. I broke his nose with my fist as soon as he caught the kitten. He accidentally dropped the kitten. Some kid DOVE in to save the kitten from the fall. After he caught it, I stomped on the kid's ass. It's funny to do that. He accidentally squeezed the kitten a little too hard, and the kitten just ran around. Everybody was fumbling to save the kitten from being stepped on as the little critter just ran around in between everyone's legs. As their guards went down, I just kicked all their asses. That's right. I kicked a whole crowd's ass. Then I took the kitten, 'cuz... Well, who the hell doesn't like kittens? lol
My next violence-inducing protest had to be great. I beat the shit out of myself each night to make sure I top myself-- OR ELSE. My next target was a new burger shack that JUST OPENED UP right next to a vegetarian restaraunt. I dressed up as an Indian man (the ones from India) who likes burgers. I pretended that I thought I was still in India. Inside the burger shack, I started chanting "LEGALIZE BURGERS! I AM HUNGRY!" People started accusing me of being retarded once more. Jackpot. Then when the manager asks me to leave, I actually do... Just as expected, a gay couple walked out of the vegetarian restaraunt. "LEGALIZE BURGERS! I AM HUNGRY!" They suggested I was a murderer and would not stop suggesting so. Just then, one of the burger customers exits and overheard the talk. It's meat eaters VS leaf eaters. The meat eaters clearly had the upper hand because of all the meat they eat... UNTIL I distributed weapons amongst the vegetarians. A huge crowd was beating the shit out of another huge crowd. And that crowd was beating back.
How am I gonna beat the shit out of everyone in THIS situation? Simple. I start playing MC Hammer SO loud and SO suddenly, that in that brief moment of confusion, people's attentions are diverted my direction. My arm reaches into my trenchcoat, and out come the genitals. This creates an "anti-kitten" effect. My genitals are gross. Appealing to NOBODY. You do not want to touch my genitals. People have to choose: Defend yourself or touch my genitals. I beat the shit out of everyone there.
Everyone.
What's next? I have no idea. I guess I'll have to beat another scheme out of myself. I need help.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
A Small Collection of Poetry Written By a Hobo
The following poems were written by Stuart Perrywinkle, a homelessman who died of a combination of rapid alcohol poisoning and getting hit by a bus. Throughout his life, he would write poems on the newspapers he slept on, using ketchup as ink. Little did he know that he was a genius, and that I have followed him for years, collecting his discarded poetry.
"Twisted Girl"
by Stu P.
You are as firey as a raging devil.
Try, try, try
but I can't see my son no more
You got the heart of a toilet
runnin down street after street
screamin your name
with a half ounce of vodka left
in my soul.
You bewitch me more
and more and more
and more and more and more
every day.
I don't know how ya do it.
Maybe STOP TELLIN ME
YOU GOT BOOZE IN YOUR GARAGE
AND LET ME SEE MY KID SUSAN
"Rail Road Charlie"
by Stu P.
I once met a man named Charlie
His breath reeked of barley
We rode in a train down to New Orleay
He stole my tape of Bob Marley
"The Best Sandwich"
by Stu P.
I don't believe it
turkey
mustard
mayo
lettuce
pickles
onions
cheddar
...on a bagel??
"My Last Job"
by Stu P.
I was fired from my job
I felt like a slob
Now I just drink wine
And I used to be the teller at the unemployment line.
I used to get paid
I used to get laid
I used to deal with bums
Now I am one of those bums... in the slums.
It's dumb.
"Frankensandwich"
by Stu P.
Oh Dear Lord...
Did I
just tape
half a turkey sandwich
to an italian sub
and take a bite?
It's alive.
"Twisted Girl"
by Stu P.
You are as firey as a raging devil.
Try, try, try
but I can't see my son no more
You got the heart of a toilet
runnin down street after street
screamin your name
with a half ounce of vodka left
in my soul.
You bewitch me more
and more and more
and more and more and more
every day.
I don't know how ya do it.
Maybe STOP TELLIN ME
YOU GOT BOOZE IN YOUR GARAGE
AND LET ME SEE MY KID SUSAN
"Rail Road Charlie"
by Stu P.
I once met a man named Charlie
His breath reeked of barley
We rode in a train down to New Orleay
He stole my tape of Bob Marley
"The Best Sandwich"
by Stu P.
I don't believe it
turkey
mustard
mayo
lettuce
pickles
onions
cheddar
...on a bagel??
"My Last Job"
by Stu P.
I was fired from my job
I felt like a slob
Now I just drink wine
And I used to be the teller at the unemployment line.
I used to get paid
I used to get laid
I used to deal with bums
Now I am one of those bums... in the slums.
It's dumb.
"Frankensandwich"
by Stu P.
Oh Dear Lord...
Did I
just tape
half a turkey sandwich
to an italian sub
and take a bite?
It's alive.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Three Award Winning Television Shows From The Year 2143
It is the year 2143. The '40s of the 22nd century.
Television hit a new renaissance of artful proportions. People of all races, genders, and intelligence levels were all represented by TV shows that they love. And in the 2nd annual "HEY HEY TV! AWARD SHOW!" awards, this is shown. After all, this is the future.
-Best Drama Show During An Old People's Mid-Day Time Slot: "Oh Me, Oh My..."
"Oh Me, Oh My..." was a show about rampant disease that loved to cure other diseases. Nobody understood this disease, well, because it was a disease. But it was a good disease! Because it cured ALL of the other horrible diseases. But, unfortunately, people contracted the disease only through eating a mixture of rat and gorilla excrement. So, like, they had that stigma. In the series finale, and the episode that won the award, they found a cure for this disease. So, the irony of it all is that all the truly terrible diseases survived while the one good disease died forever. Inspired by "Casper the Friendly Ghost."
-Best Comedy Show Intended for Blacks But Enjoyed By Thryxlothites: "Gimme Back Mah Damn Hova' Boots!"
We as humans, at first, could not mentally comprehend the existance of the Thryxlothite race, since they were composed of colors beyond our visual spectrum and made noises outside our audible spectrum. They were like walking, talking, ultraviolet infra-red dog whistles. It wasn't until science discovered them that we started including them as a demographic when making TV shows. Though they have 3 of their own channels, "T-TV," "F<(#@#," and "Moop," it wasn't until "Hova' Boots" aired on BET that we truly understood them. The show was about a black man who had recently got a raise and was able to afford the highly popular "Hover Boots." His neighbor borrowed them one day and every episode completely forgets to return them.
-Best News Program Dedicated to Robberies: "Damn, We Broke Nah'!"
From the award winning creators of "Hova' Boots" came a news program that spoke to the masses. The masses, mainly being Thryxlothites. This program lampoons old news shows such as "Action News" and "Blaxtion News." It showcases Newmerica's funniest burglaries while audio of screaming and laughing is blaring. The news program is 4 hours long and always ends with a white screen while the catch phrase, "Fuck you, sucka" plays.
The future truly is a marvelous place.
Television hit a new renaissance of artful proportions. People of all races, genders, and intelligence levels were all represented by TV shows that they love. And in the 2nd annual "HEY HEY TV! AWARD SHOW!" awards, this is shown. After all, this is the future.
-Best Drama Show During An Old People's Mid-Day Time Slot: "Oh Me, Oh My..."
"Oh Me, Oh My..." was a show about rampant disease that loved to cure other diseases. Nobody understood this disease, well, because it was a disease. But it was a good disease! Because it cured ALL of the other horrible diseases. But, unfortunately, people contracted the disease only through eating a mixture of rat and gorilla excrement. So, like, they had that stigma. In the series finale, and the episode that won the award, they found a cure for this disease. So, the irony of it all is that all the truly terrible diseases survived while the one good disease died forever. Inspired by "Casper the Friendly Ghost."
-Best Comedy Show Intended for Blacks But Enjoyed By Thryxlothites: "Gimme Back Mah Damn Hova' Boots!"
We as humans, at first, could not mentally comprehend the existance of the Thryxlothite race, since they were composed of colors beyond our visual spectrum and made noises outside our audible spectrum. They were like walking, talking, ultraviolet infra-red dog whistles. It wasn't until science discovered them that we started including them as a demographic when making TV shows. Though they have 3 of their own channels, "T-TV," "F<(#@#," and "Moop," it wasn't until "Hova' Boots" aired on BET that we truly understood them. The show was about a black man who had recently got a raise and was able to afford the highly popular "Hover Boots." His neighbor borrowed them one day and every episode completely forgets to return them.
-Best News Program Dedicated to Robberies: "Damn, We Broke Nah'!"
From the award winning creators of "Hova' Boots" came a news program that spoke to the masses. The masses, mainly being Thryxlothites. This program lampoons old news shows such as "Action News" and "Blaxtion News." It showcases Newmerica's funniest burglaries while audio of screaming and laughing is blaring. The news program is 4 hours long and always ends with a white screen while the catch phrase, "Fuck you, sucka" plays.
The future truly is a marvelous place.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Growling Tiny Menace
Finally, it has happened. What man has feared since the dawn of Christ. For it was Jesus who said, "The only thing to fear is fire ants. And what's worse than that, huh? Pff, probably tiny baby tigers. As if!"
Tiny Baby Tigers are here.
It was a rapid evolution that happened right before our eyes without our knowing. Tigers were fed the fuck up with being in captivity, so every time they had a bunch of babies, they ate every one but the smallest one. Then, that little tiger would have babies and eat all but the littlest. The process repeated over and over, over the course of 4 years until tiger cub litters met the expectations of the vengeful tiger tribes. They were the size of cockroaches and could climb up walls like cockroaches.
The mother tigers cried as their tiny baby tigers left the Oakland Zoo to do the right thing and terrorize man.
CASE #1: Bruce McLefthandson:
Bruce was a 711 employee who was on his lunch break. He was minding his own business, leaning against the wall, eating a bag of potato chips. After about 4 potato chips were removed from the bag, he saw miniature versions of baby forms of ferocious beasts he had only thought lived in Jamaica. The tiny baby tigers leapt at his face and removed his face, leaving only a skull. Bruce thought it looked pretty cool, so he never got the new, controversial face transplant procedure.
CASE #2: Tent Palmsly:
When Tent was watching his wife give birth to his first child, he was overly excited. He was so excited that he grabbed a bag of Twizzlers and began to eat them. Suddenly, his hand began to sting soon after his 3rd reach into the bag. Tiny baby tigers were biting the shit out of his hand with lion-like ferocity. Panicked and screaming, Tent shook off the tiny baby tigers. Two of them landed in his wife's birthing lady area.
CASE #3: Amy Southpawini:
Amy was a mild-mannered janitor who loved cleaning up after elementary school children. One afternoon, she found a turd in the middle of the hallway leading to the school library and whaddyaknow there were tiny baby tigers hiding behind the poop.
Since tiny baby tigers have been declared a national marvel, it is illegal to smush them. Veteran dog catchers have developed several methods to detain the miniscule menaces, but it seems no matter how many are caught, twice as many appear.
"They fuck like rabbits," said a local man.
Tiny Baby Tigers are here.
It was a rapid evolution that happened right before our eyes without our knowing. Tigers were fed the fuck up with being in captivity, so every time they had a bunch of babies, they ate every one but the smallest one. Then, that little tiger would have babies and eat all but the littlest. The process repeated over and over, over the course of 4 years until tiger cub litters met the expectations of the vengeful tiger tribes. They were the size of cockroaches and could climb up walls like cockroaches.
The mother tigers cried as their tiny baby tigers left the Oakland Zoo to do the right thing and terrorize man.
CASE #1: Bruce McLefthandson:
Bruce was a 711 employee who was on his lunch break. He was minding his own business, leaning against the wall, eating a bag of potato chips. After about 4 potato chips were removed from the bag, he saw miniature versions of baby forms of ferocious beasts he had only thought lived in Jamaica. The tiny baby tigers leapt at his face and removed his face, leaving only a skull. Bruce thought it looked pretty cool, so he never got the new, controversial face transplant procedure.
CASE #2: Tent Palmsly:
When Tent was watching his wife give birth to his first child, he was overly excited. He was so excited that he grabbed a bag of Twizzlers and began to eat them. Suddenly, his hand began to sting soon after his 3rd reach into the bag. Tiny baby tigers were biting the shit out of his hand with lion-like ferocity. Panicked and screaming, Tent shook off the tiny baby tigers. Two of them landed in his wife's birthing lady area.
CASE #3: Amy Southpawini:
Amy was a mild-mannered janitor who loved cleaning up after elementary school children. One afternoon, she found a turd in the middle of the hallway leading to the school library and whaddyaknow there were tiny baby tigers hiding behind the poop.
Since tiny baby tigers have been declared a national marvel, it is illegal to smush them. Veteran dog catchers have developed several methods to detain the miniscule menaces, but it seems no matter how many are caught, twice as many appear.
"They fuck like rabbits," said a local man.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Hardcore Choo Choo Racing, Part IV
"GORDOOOON!!!!!!!" Lisa screamed.
A wave of light, oceanic in appearance was growing and rushing towards Old Man McKeller and Lisa.
"Fuck, man, what are we gonna do?!" shouted Gordon over his communication radio.
"We?" chuckled Randal in response as he came to his senses, "I am going to win this extreme train race. You are gonna watch me murder your ex-girlfriend. Are you regretting gambling Lisa's life?!"
"Maybe a little, but not much, asshole! But, listen, I think I figured it out: why we're now blind, why we're going so fast, why we're exactly equally matched..... neither of us are destined to win!"
"FUCK YOU!!!"
The two trains rose from the earth. Lisa and McKeller, as prophesized, were the only two people on Earth that could see it.
The trains and their cars were forming the outline of a heart. A gigantic white heart which seemed to clear away every cloud in the sky. It rotated in slow, peaceful circles.
Once the heart in the sky faced Lisa, the wave finally washed over them. Her back started to hurt tremendously. Wings sprouted. As the wings tore her normal teenage girl clothes off, it was revealed that a white robe was underneath them. Her hair was long, beautiful, and white. Her eyes were a soothing color that cannot even be described.
Old Man McKeller, on the other hand, grew devil horns, a curly black mustache, and a tail.
McKeller smiled, and said, "Ah. I get it now. Well, I'm sorry, Lord of New Earth Heaven Lisa, I guess I can't be your dad after all.
Lord of New Earth Heaven Lisa smirked, and in her brand new voice that sounded like the harmonious chorus of any Queen song, said, "I guess not."
Before Grand Demon of New Earth Hell Old Man McKeller dug his way into the dirt, Lord of New Earth Heaven Lisa winked and flew towards the Eternal TrainHeart.
It was truly beautiful. Too extreme for any normal human. It was true. Those without the balls to TRULY live the hardcore way were cursed to never see again and be in eternal sorrow.
...But, then, why Gordon and Randal?
"Gordon?" whispered Randal
"What?" replied Gordon.
"I feel stupid all the sudden."
"Me too."
It was true. As Earth Angel Lisa hovered near the now solidified white sky heart, she caught a glimpse of two of the stupidest creatures on the planet growing within. Babies. Baby Gordon and Baby Randal. The heart was more than a sign of the new world, it was its womb.
Lisa put her angelic hand against the sky heart.
"Hmm," she pondered. "It seems you two haven't made up your mind about who won your silly train race."
She flew away to see all the wonders of her new world. "Just keep deliberating. Take all the time you want. Gordon. Randal."
Then she realized she hadn't taken a shit in 2 days, so she flew down to the Holiday Inn. Their toilets are always pretty damn clean.
THE END.
A wave of light, oceanic in appearance was growing and rushing towards Old Man McKeller and Lisa.
"Fuck, man, what are we gonna do?!" shouted Gordon over his communication radio.
"We?" chuckled Randal in response as he came to his senses, "I am going to win this extreme train race. You are gonna watch me murder your ex-girlfriend. Are you regretting gambling Lisa's life?!"
"Maybe a little, but not much, asshole! But, listen, I think I figured it out: why we're now blind, why we're going so fast, why we're exactly equally matched..... neither of us are destined to win!"
"FUCK YOU!!!"
The two trains rose from the earth. Lisa and McKeller, as prophesized, were the only two people on Earth that could see it.
The trains and their cars were forming the outline of a heart. A gigantic white heart which seemed to clear away every cloud in the sky. It rotated in slow, peaceful circles.
Once the heart in the sky faced Lisa, the wave finally washed over them. Her back started to hurt tremendously. Wings sprouted. As the wings tore her normal teenage girl clothes off, it was revealed that a white robe was underneath them. Her hair was long, beautiful, and white. Her eyes were a soothing color that cannot even be described.
Old Man McKeller, on the other hand, grew devil horns, a curly black mustache, and a tail.
McKeller smiled, and said, "Ah. I get it now. Well, I'm sorry, Lord of New Earth Heaven Lisa, I guess I can't be your dad after all.
Lord of New Earth Heaven Lisa smirked, and in her brand new voice that sounded like the harmonious chorus of any Queen song, said, "I guess not."
Before Grand Demon of New Earth Hell Old Man McKeller dug his way into the dirt, Lord of New Earth Heaven Lisa winked and flew towards the Eternal TrainHeart.
It was truly beautiful. Too extreme for any normal human. It was true. Those without the balls to TRULY live the hardcore way were cursed to never see again and be in eternal sorrow.
...But, then, why Gordon and Randal?
"Gordon?" whispered Randal
"What?" replied Gordon.
"I feel stupid all the sudden."
"Me too."
It was true. As Earth Angel Lisa hovered near the now solidified white sky heart, she caught a glimpse of two of the stupidest creatures on the planet growing within. Babies. Baby Gordon and Baby Randal. The heart was more than a sign of the new world, it was its womb.
Lisa put her angelic hand against the sky heart.
"Hmm," she pondered. "It seems you two haven't made up your mind about who won your silly train race."
She flew away to see all the wonders of her new world. "Just keep deliberating. Take all the time you want. Gordon. Randal."
Then she realized she hadn't taken a shit in 2 days, so she flew down to the Holiday Inn. Their toilets are always pretty damn clean.
THE END.
Hardcore Choo Choo Racing, Part III
Lisa, still unconscious, was woken up by a familiar scream. It was the scream of her father dying in the horrible train accident caused by her then beloved boyfriend, Gordon.
She saw it all over again. The train moving, her father refusing to get out of the way, Gordon smiling as he looked at her father, the bird that was chirping nearby, the impact, the scream, Gordon's casual smile-shrug, an image of a white wave, the scream, the blood, the scream, the piece of arm laying on the side of the track, the scream, the bits of brain that used to help her father think, the scream, the scream, THE SCREAM.
"UUUAAAAAAAUUUKKKKKGGHHUUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lisa was awake once more, letting out the most gutteral lady-scream ever.
"Shut up!" shouted Gordon, who was now 400 meters away in his Powertrain.
"My daddy..." muttered a crying Lisa.
"Uh, I can be your father figure," said Old Man McKeller.
"Really? Thanks!"
The two hugged, then looked on to the race. It was truly spectacular. These two trains were like two long white beams of light tearing across the earth.
"You're lucky," whispered Irvine the neutral third-party gunman, "It's about to happen. And you two will be the only ones to see it."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" questioned Lisa.
"Yeah, what the fuck?" seconded Old Man McKeller.
Irvine did a one-handed handstand and used the other hand to put his gun, the only gun in town, in his mouth and blow his own cryptic brains out.
"LIKE, TOTALLY GROSS!!!" you can guess who said that.
"Say," said Old Man McKeller, "Why did you leave Gordon for that jerk Randal?"
Lisa pondered for a moment. "You know, it's strange now that I think of it. I went to Randal because Gordon was a train-obsessed, flashy, over-the-top weirdo that payed me no attention. But, the truth is, Randal's the same damn way!"
"Reminds me of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."
"Huh? How's that?"
"It's like, you're the boy. And the townspeople who don't believe you are Gordon. And the real wolves are Randal and his infamous train gang. Either way, you're dealin' with dingbats."
Lisa smiled.
"See? Now I'm your new father," stated McKeller.
"You certainly are."
Meanwhile, there was a loud "BLAST" sound that was accompanied with an enormous flash of white light in the distance. The two trains had to be 3 miles away by now.
Randal's communication radio blared, "MY DICK FEELS WEIRD!!"
Randal responded, "Gordon, is that you, you weirdo?"
"Yeah, just testing out the radio."
"Oh, good, they work, then."
"Can you see anything?"
"No, man."
"Yeah, I heard something... but now I can't see shit."
"I think we're both blind, dude."
"But how?!"
"Don't ask me, dick, I didn't invent science. I just ride trains like a true G."
Gordon guffawed, "If you're such an "O.G. motherfucking trainster," how fast am I going, huh?"
Randal almost couldn't bring himself to push the "TALK TO THE OTHER GUY" button on his radio. But when he finally did, all he could muster was, "Fast....tits......... fast as..... so many tits....."
Suddenly, both trains were equally positioned and moving at exact equal speed. But, just then, there was yet another "BLAST!"
Passengers on a nearby commercial airplane were all blinded. Needless to say, that plane made one "wacky" landing!
What they couldn't see was that two trains were slightly hovering above their designated tracks and moving at such an astounding speed that the tracks below them were instantly disintegrated.
Randal suddenly had an image of his mother singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to him when he was a baby. He let out a scream even louder and more terrifying than Lisa's stupid scream from before.
Gordon could not stop crying as he continually tried to make his train stop by pounding on the "TRAIN STOP NOW" button. It did not work. So he cried and cried, wishing he treated his girlfriend a little bit better.
TO BE CONCLUDED
She saw it all over again. The train moving, her father refusing to get out of the way, Gordon smiling as he looked at her father, the bird that was chirping nearby, the impact, the scream, Gordon's casual smile-shrug, an image of a white wave, the scream, the blood, the scream, the piece of arm laying on the side of the track, the scream, the bits of brain that used to help her father think, the scream, the scream, THE SCREAM.
"UUUAAAAAAAUUUKKKKKGGHHUUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lisa was awake once more, letting out the most gutteral lady-scream ever.
"Shut up!" shouted Gordon, who was now 400 meters away in his Powertrain.
"My daddy..." muttered a crying Lisa.
"Uh, I can be your father figure," said Old Man McKeller.
"Really? Thanks!"
The two hugged, then looked on to the race. It was truly spectacular. These two trains were like two long white beams of light tearing across the earth.
"You're lucky," whispered Irvine the neutral third-party gunman, "It's about to happen. And you two will be the only ones to see it."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" questioned Lisa.
"Yeah, what the fuck?" seconded Old Man McKeller.
Irvine did a one-handed handstand and used the other hand to put his gun, the only gun in town, in his mouth and blow his own cryptic brains out.
"LIKE, TOTALLY GROSS!!!" you can guess who said that.
"Say," said Old Man McKeller, "Why did you leave Gordon for that jerk Randal?"
Lisa pondered for a moment. "You know, it's strange now that I think of it. I went to Randal because Gordon was a train-obsessed, flashy, over-the-top weirdo that payed me no attention. But, the truth is, Randal's the same damn way!"
"Reminds me of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."
"Huh? How's that?"
"It's like, you're the boy. And the townspeople who don't believe you are Gordon. And the real wolves are Randal and his infamous train gang. Either way, you're dealin' with dingbats."
Lisa smiled.
"See? Now I'm your new father," stated McKeller.
"You certainly are."
Meanwhile, there was a loud "BLAST" sound that was accompanied with an enormous flash of white light in the distance. The two trains had to be 3 miles away by now.
Randal's communication radio blared, "MY DICK FEELS WEIRD!!"
Randal responded, "Gordon, is that you, you weirdo?"
"Yeah, just testing out the radio."
"Oh, good, they work, then."
"Can you see anything?"
"No, man."
"Yeah, I heard something... but now I can't see shit."
"I think we're both blind, dude."
"But how?!"
"Don't ask me, dick, I didn't invent science. I just ride trains like a true G."
Gordon guffawed, "If you're such an "O.G. motherfucking trainster," how fast am I going, huh?"
Randal almost couldn't bring himself to push the "TALK TO THE OTHER GUY" button on his radio. But when he finally did, all he could muster was, "Fast....tits......... fast as..... so many tits....."
Suddenly, both trains were equally positioned and moving at exact equal speed. But, just then, there was yet another "BLAST!"
Passengers on a nearby commercial airplane were all blinded. Needless to say, that plane made one "wacky" landing!
What they couldn't see was that two trains were slightly hovering above their designated tracks and moving at such an astounding speed that the tracks below them were instantly disintegrated.
Randal suddenly had an image of his mother singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to him when he was a baby. He let out a scream even louder and more terrifying than Lisa's stupid scream from before.
Gordon could not stop crying as he continually tried to make his train stop by pounding on the "TRAIN STOP NOW" button. It did not work. So he cried and cried, wishing he treated his girlfriend a little bit better.
TO BE CONCLUDED
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